I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
