??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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