Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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