Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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