thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
