So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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