I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
