Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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