he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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