Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
