Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
