First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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