What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
