So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
