Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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