Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You're like the curious george of whores
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
