Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize