the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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