my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
