dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
