sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
