you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
