found the other keg... it's in the tree
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
