i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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