I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
