Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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