i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
