so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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