I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
