God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
