I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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