this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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