ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
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