Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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