3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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