Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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