if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
