im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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