Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
