Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
