Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I am naked and annoyed.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
