I hope mine doesn't look like that
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
