dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize