Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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