im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
