I think I am morally bankrupt
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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