Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
