My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize