dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
