I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
