Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
