I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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