She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
