I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize