Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
