so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
