You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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